Ever since receiving our baby girl’s diagnosis, a scene from Lord of the Rings has been replaying in my head.
Pippin, a hobbit known more for his curiosity-induced mischief than any sort of bravery or prowess in war, has been made a Guard of the Citadel in Gondor, where the battle for Middle Earth will come to a head. He stands at the balcony, looking out over the smoke and flames of Mount Doom, and tells the wizard Gandalf, “I don’t want to be in a battle, but waiting on the edge of one I can’t escape is even worse.”
Those words. They keep sticking in my mind. Because that’s me. Feeling so small, looking out, afraid of the battle to come, waiting.
And most days waiting on the edge does seem worse than the battle itself. Once you’re in the battle there’s no going back, but in this time of waiting there’s so much uncertainty and too much time for my mind to play through potential scenarios.
I don’t know what the next weeks, months, or years will bring for our baby girl and for our family. I know that the thought of multiple open heart surgeries is downright terrifying and while I’m incredibly thankful that the fluid in her chest is gone, I know there is still a wide range of possible outcomes for this child.
And sometimes I think I’m not ready for this, not strong enough for this… that I don’t want to be in a battle. It feels like an overwhelming task, too big for me to handle.
Then one night, as I was trying to find a way to muster my own strength for the fight ahead, the words of a song by The Afters came to mind.
You’re going before me and oceans are parting
You’re fighting my battles
When my feet are failing and my heart is shaking
You’re fighting my battles
In that moment I was reminded that I don’t have to be strong enough to fight on my own. God is going before me. He is fighting my battle. He is fighting this baby’s battle.
Again I went back to the verse I shared the very first time I wrote about our diagnosis… maybe this will be a recurring theme for me in all that is to come!
“The Lord is the one who goes ahead of you; He will be with you. He will not fail you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed.” Deuteronomy 31:8
Unless God chooses to miraculously heal our baby girl, there is a battle to fight. A battle that brings surgeries and NICU stays and changes to many of the dreams and plans I had for our child, our family, and myself. A battle full of unknowns stretching ahead.
But… I know that God goes before me, before us, no matter what.
I know there will still be days when I feel utterly overwhelmed by it all, I’ve had plenty of them! Believing that God is with me doesn’t take away all the human emotions and struggles, but I will cling to His promise and lean on Him with all I can.
And I will be thankful that He is with me, waiting on the edge of battle and forever beyond.
PS We had an ultrasound today and the baby is on track with growth and still free of fluid. We’ve also now received all the genetic testing that has been completed thus far and everything is normal. More testing will be likely be done after she is born. We’ll continue to monitor things with ultrasounds both at the OB and with further cardiology appointments.
(Also, if you’re curious, the Afters song, Fighting My Battles, can be found here and the Lord of the Rings clip I was talking about can be found here.)