Last fall, not long before Hope was born, I lay in bed staring at the full moon outside. I don’t remember what was keeping me up, probably some worry over the baby girl with the mixed up heart growing inside me, but I remember a thought suddenly coming to mind. A question really. One that broke through my mind as clearly as the bright beams of moonlight through the window.
Is He enough?
What a question.
I know the right answer is yes, of course He is. God is enough; He is all I ever need. I could fill page after page with verses and songs declaring that truth.
And it is the truth.
But when I take a real hard look at myself, I find it is also a sobering truth.
Because, if I have to admit it, the thought of life without the things I care so much about is terrifying. What would I do if everyone I loved was gone? What would I do if everything was taken away? What would I do if all I had was God?
Is He enough?
I think of the all the times I’ve struggled with surrender. I think of the prayers I’ve prayed with answers that didn’t turn out the way I wanted. I think of all the dreams I’ve imagined for my life that detoured into paths I didn’t want to walk.
Over and over my sadness, my disappointment, my anger is because the outcome, the earthly thing, wasn’t what I wanted.
It’s all too easy to become wrapped up in the things God could give me, even if they are good things, instead of dwelling on God Himself. But that is wrong, because in doing so I diminish my view of God. With those thoughts I am essentially saying that He isn’t enough.
And yet, has He not remained faithful and unchanging, upholding me with His hand, every moment of my life? Have I forgotten that His own Son’s blood poured out to forgive me? Have I lost sight of the joy of Heaven, of perfection through eternity, that He is preparing for me?
Is He enough?
In that moment, in the bright moonlight that night before I fell asleep, I felt truly at peace. The question that shone so clearly in my mind was answered just as clearly in my heart. Yes. He is and always will be enough.
It’s still hard. I’m human and life is difficult and suffering and sorrow are real. I still struggle with surrender, wishing I could grasp on to some control over things I really can’t change. I still worry and cry and clench my jaw in fear at the thought of losing someone I love. But I do believe He is enough.
Enough to see me through each day and enough even if the worst happens. I want to keep my eyes fixed on Him, instead of what He can give me. To be satisfied fully in who He is and to be filled with His peace and presence.
I love these words from Natalie Grant’s song “More Than Anything“:
Help me want the Healer
More than the healing
Help me want the Savior
More than the saving
Help me want the Giver
More than the giving
Oh help me want You Jesus
More than anything
This is my prayer – to want Him, God Himself, more than anything. Because He is enough.
We sincerely covet your prayers as Hope will be having her next open heart surgery on November 20th in Boston. Please pray that Hope stays healthy in the coming week and for protection for her during surgery and recovery. Please pray for wisdom for the surgeon, especially as we are asking him to make a judgement call based on what he sees while in the operating room on whether or not to proceed with any biventricular repair. Please pray for peace and strength for us and all of our family through this time. We’d also appreciate prayers for safe travel and a smooth transition as we settle in to a “home” away from home for an extended time. Thank you so much for lifting us before the Lord. Words cannot express how much it means to us!